Wait, let me just go and check the “textbook” definition of that word before I use it… yup, just what I was afraid of, this is what it says in the OXFORD DICTIONARY: conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected.
And I just hate those words, but this is what it also goes on to say, and this is what I’m looking for: (of a person) free from physical or mental disorders.
That’s it right there “free from Physical or Mental disorders”… that’s what I want. And that’s what I’m searching for…
It’s been something like 15 days since I’d been on my last bend, and I’ve had no tumultuous highs during that time, or exhausting lows, which is rather surprising for me… or I at least would’ve been in one high or another by now… the ups would’ve come first, until they would’ve overpowered me completely, and then I would’ve hit rock bottom and stayed there for a couple of days.
But this time, I just thought I’d hold back, just this once, just once, and see what would happen to me… I think I’d just had a conversation about this with Victoria the day before, and she was giving me her advice as she’s always kind enough to do, no matter how hard headed I can be sometimes (I don’t know how she can do it though, honestly I can’t, considering how deluded I can get sometimes) but there are a very few people who are able to weather the storm like that… and I’m grateful.
So there I was, sitting in McDonalds that day, with those funny, exuberant Iranians right next to me, and Oh did I want to start talking with them, but I held back and just managed a polite question or too, and tried not to go all ballistic and eat their heads… of course, when it was all over and they had left, I felt kind of hollow inside, like I’d missed out on a great opportunity… maybe I should’ve let myself go and acted all crazy on them, like I would’ve done before.
But you know what, maybe this is the part of the change I want—maybe there is a place where I can go where I’m not a complete fool (((was that how Richard Gere was behaving when he just steps up to that woman arguing with her boyfriend on the street and he kisses her, and then starts running from the man who’s chasing after him now… I thought that was so cool))) and yet not someone who’s afraid to assimilate himself with others and the surroundings around him, within reason that is.
I made another friend recently and I asked her if she ever regretted the fact that she wasn’t Manic anymore, and you know what she said—she said, she misses the highs, sure (only a manic will ever know what she’s talking about here) but then there are the lows which she is more than happy to have gotten rid off. And she said, to miss that phase of her life, would be very selfish of her, to have to put her husband through it, and her children, and herself… so I think I just have to find some sort of an equilibrium that I can live with, along with all the others in my life.
