The movie’s pretty good, so I won’t spoil it for anyone who hasn’t seen it yet, but the one line that I can never forget from the movie is “demons are like angels, who’re just punishing you so that you can overcome whatever it is that’s holding you back, and move on to heaven”. And it’s this that the title Jacob’s Ladder refers to; it’s mentioned not only in Judaism, but also Christianity and Islam… and that’s what I wanted to talk to you guys about… last month, a girl had gotten in touch with me expressing her fondness for the pictures that I had taken on Flickr, and asked me if I’d mind getting in touch with her? Now, this was last month, when I’d just come out of my depressive episode (must’ve been around the 20th of April) and I hadn’t logged on in a fortnight or so, which is when she’d sent me the mail so I had no idea it was even there… at first, I didn’t even notice it, but the second time I noticed a different name in my Inbox, and I wondered who this was?
She was very courteous, she told me who she was and where she was studying, and asked me if I could help her with a project that she has to submit for her Graphics Design Class… she said she was interested in the photos of the house—everything that I could take basically, of things that are used every day, and maybe mail it to her… to which I said, sure—hey, it’s not like I had anything else to do. And besides, she liked my photographs, and I was glad to take some more for her. And then, the funniest thing happened—we parted ways, and that’s it. Oh, I’ll write to her again in a couple of days (it’s been twelve days already I think) and ask her how the project’s going (has she submitted it yet, gotten a grade—if it’s complete, can I see it) and send her some more photographs that I told her I would, and ask her if she needs any more… but, you know what, it was alright… and what was even better was that I did it on my own; I didn’t need the help of anyone who I thought would magically transform me into something special. I realized that I could do it by myself.
So I guess what I’m trying to say is, the women who I’d thought had hurt me the most, by giving me this pain which I thought I would never be able to overcome—weren’t the demons that I was making them out to be. Yes, they were hurting me, but that was only because I was maybe holding onto something that I had to let go off, and I did… which is also what that girl from Israel had helped me with… she was from Tel Aviv, and we just spoke to each other like two human beings—two mature, civilized, adults… no problems; we were just two people, who had come together to appreciate art, and that’s exactly what we did. I wish a friend of mine could see this; I think she would’ve been proud, I hope… I have survived an encounter with a talented, beautiful, and gifted woman (she actually taught me how to “send” my photographs on Google, lol; she works part time as a computer tech or something) and it’s been more than ten days now, and not once have I been hopelessly infatuated with her; I don’t feel afraid anymore. I might not find that special someone to share the rest of my life with, but I now know that even if I don’t—I’ll survive.
(this month, I’ve managed not to go to either of my extremes amazingly, AND not to have perilously fallen in love)… right now, I like me just the way I am!!!
