SHE IS WOMAN

I’ve been searching for this person for years now… ever since I was a kid, really—I still remember my first crush (do you?) and all at five years of age… what’s up with that??? I’d tell you who she was, but I’m saving all that stuff up for my book, which may or may not happen by the looks of it; I always say I’m going to do it now, now I’m really going to do it, and something or the other ends up coming in the way. And we’re back to square one… the only good thing is, it’s always there with me when I manage to come back, and never goes away—so I know what it is that I want to write; I’ve just got to hunker down and write it, that’s all.

Yeah, so about this girl… I don’t know who she is, or what she looks like—or which faith she belongs to, but all I know is that she’s going to have been made just for me, and I’m going to love her to death… well, after all these years (I said since I was five, remember) I hardly think you can blame me… yeah, I also said it doesn’t matter what faith she belongs to—I’m thinking if she’s within the Christo-Islamic-Judeo belt then we might have a good chance of working it out… I just hope I find her soon though, cos I’m really tired of having waited for so long… just waiting, and waiting, and waiting, and…

My only fear is that I still won’t be able to find her, for god’s sake… it’s not fair, I tell you… I mean, at first I’d try and justify my being alone as a test of some kind, but then I’d see almost anyone and everyone having someone; even idiots having idiots, by god, and that would hurt, and make me kind of confused. But I’d still soldier on, in the belief that all good things come to those who wait… and boy have I waited. So you see, after you’ve waited for so long, for something without having any kind of expectations for it (okay, I have to admit, there’s only one: she’s got to be someone I’m compatible with—intellectually, and psychologically, that’s it… I know, that’s a pretty big “it”) you’re just thankful for whatever you’ve gotten, but yeah, if she can be someone who inspires you—that would be heaven right there.

And as if that wasn’t enough, having to deal with the passage of time, I now have to deal with my wonderful Bipolarity issues… “just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in”! But you know something, I’m actually making some progress. I think it’s been one and a half months now since I went under, or over… and that’s huge for a guy who could hardly hold it together either way for 2 weeks at a stretch, for maybe 6 months now… and before that, it was there but not in such strong doses, so if I can manage to not go into lala land again, I think I’ll be alright.

It’s so funny, but for all this time I thought I was like [this] guy, and that everything in this world was made just for me; I just had to learn to convince people to give it to me, and if they didn’t want to, fine—who cares, heck, it’s not like I wanted it anyway—or them… but as a good friend would point out later, it’s not the world that has to change, but you—if you want to survive that is, and if you want to thrive, how in the hell are you going to manage that? Well, she was bang on target, as usual, and I couldn’t’ve been more wrong: of course, it took me a couple of months to realize that. (this song defined me to a T back then)

Actually, there’s another person who I wanted to thank, and I would’ve mailed this to her but she’s excommunicated me from her Facebook page, so I’ve not been able to speak with her for a couple of months now… I don’t think she ever understood how Abnormal bipolars can be. Of course, I thought SHE was being the “difficult” one (((my dear little sisters have so much knowledge of this))) by asking me to change, wtf, when all I wanted was for her to let me be… well, it looks like I did have to change, but the thing I’m most sorry about is for it to have been at her expense; she was a good friend, one of the best I’ve had so far.